shiny.nu

Subway Etiquitte

1. If you are fat, you’re better off standing. We’re not talking pudgy or big-boned here. If you are so morbidly obese that you can’t keep your fat lardy ass from spilling over considerably into either seat next to you, get off the train and walk to your destination, you piece of shit. Not only are you taking up an entire two seats (or three, depending on where you sit) that could be occupied by healthy, not-as-disgustingly-overweight, self-respecting New Yorkers, but your time spent on public transportation should be used instead to fucking exercise.

2. It’s time to go home. You’re standing in the station and your train (which is an express train that comes every two fucking minutes) pulls into the station. It’s obviously packed, with everyone inside at various stages of visible discomfort. Do you A) wait for the next train, because it comes in two minutes anyway, or B) push your way onto the train, causing everyone to squish a little more to accommodate you? If you picked B, congratulations: you are a grade A asshole. If you can’t wait two minutes (TWO GODDAMN MINUTES!) for the next train to come a-rumbling through, possibly with less people on it, then you deserve to get pushed in front of an oncoming train. For most of those poor saps, the train wasn’t uber crowded when they boarded, but it’s assholes like you that make it that way.

3. While we're on the topic of waiting for the next train, let's address this one: who in their right mind runs for the train while the doors are closing, dives into the rapidly decreasing gap, and forces their way on to the train? What the fuck, people? Because you know, the first thing that goes through MY mind when I see I'm going to miss my train is 'hey, let me put myself in danger by running down the stairs, sprinting across a crowded platform and playing Indiana Jones with the closing train doors.' Not only that, but these people usually shove into other people on the train on their way in, and they delay the train however long it takes them to get unstuck from the doors.

4. Let passengers off the train before you board. You see those PSA ads everywhere in the subway. They wouldn’t have to post those ads if it wasn’t a fucking problem. This one will be short and sweet. I’m telling you now, if I can’t make it off the train in time at my stop because your fat ass (see also: #1) is blocking the entrance as you and 34983278 people get on, there will be hell to pay.

5. You know those panels (on some of the trains) at the end of the row of seats next to the doors? THOSE ARE NOT YOUR PERSONAL ARM RESTS, K? When I get on the train and I can’t get a seat, I stand near the door. Consequently, I’m usually leaned against one of those panels, and it makes me wish genocide against all human kind when I have a stubborn elbow in my back. You have a fucking seat. You don’t need an arm rest, too. So get your fucking elbow out of my back and enjoy your seat, fucker.

© Arwen M. Guerra