That movie makes me cry so hard.
» Arwen is a 25-year-old New York native. Originally hailing from Long Island, she likes to spend most of her time in New York City. She's loud, quirky, and has a short attention span. Some of the things she enjoys are sushi, video games, cosmetics, and all things Japanese. More?

Public Bathroom Etiquette

There are a lot of misconceptions regarding public bathrooms, and these misconceptions lead people to treat public bathrooms like toxic waste dumps. I work in the Empire State Building in New York City, cleaning women’s bathrooms on a floor frequented by tourists. I’ve seen my fair share of disgusting behavior that I’m sure people wouldn’t perform in their own homes, so I came up with this article to inform women on the truths about public bathrooms – and how to treat them.

1. Sit down when you pee. You are not a man. You do not have a penis. You are not properly equipped to pee standing up. That having been said, sit the fuck down when you pee. You’re not going to get herpes, crabs, gonhorrea or AIDS. In fact, most public toilets are cleaned more times per day then your home toilet is cleaned in a week. If you’re still skeeved by sitting on a public toilet seat, then use a seat liner or toilet paper. Most women who pee standing up end up spraying their urine all over the seat, and the velocity of the stream hitting the water from the height sends the pee spraying onto the walls of the stall, as well. I know, I’ve seen the aftermath. You women are so concerned with your own personal hygiene that you could care less whether or not you leave a pissy mess behind for the next person to sit in. As a sign in an office bathroom that I once cleaned said, “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie!” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

2. Sit down when you shit. This should be self-explanatory, but believe me, I’ve had to clean more than my fair share of explosive diahrrea from people who couldn’t be bothered to plant their asses.

3. Used toilet paper goes IN the toilet. Not on the floor, not in the napkin disposal, and not left on the toilet seat.

4. FLUSH. I don’t know how much I have to stress this one, or how many countless times a day I have to flush a toilet because someone left a giant dump or wads of toilet paper behind, and couldn’t care less. I know that with today’s advanced automatic technology, it makes it hard for us to remember to flush. What did we do years ago before automatic toilets became a widespread technology? Just not flush?

5. Feminine products (and ONLY feminine products) go in the proper receptacles. In 99% of public bathrooms, there is a designated receptacle in each stall for the depositing of used feminine products (aka pads and tampons, for you morons out there). If no designated receptacle is found, it is acceptable to wrap your used feminine product in toilet paper and throw it in a trash can. Any other method of disposal (including flushing in the toilet or leaving it on the floor) is unacceptable. This includes everything related to said feminine product, namely the wrapper and/or the applicator. Pertaining to the designated receptacle, the following items to NOT qualify as “feminine products”: baby diapers, food wrappers, pamphlets, candy, trash, used toilet paper.

6. The sink is for washing your hands. Not for bathing yourself, washing your feet (I’ve witnessed this), not for letting your crotch dropping splash around in, and most definitely not for filling your water bottle. That having been said, make sure you wash your hands before you leave the bathroom. You just wiped your snatch or your asshole, and now you’re going to go and touch things? Gimme a break.

7. Trash goes in the trash can. Not on the floor. If you toss and miss, pick up after yourself and make sure your trash goes IN the trash. There’s nothing I hate more than to walk into my bathroom at work and find that people have thrown their used paper towels all over the god damned floor.

© Arwen M. Guerra