About Aquarius

This excerpt was taken from the book Born on a Rotten Day by Hazel Dixon-Cooper, and is a scarily accurate description of my astrological sign.

You have the annoying habit of acting like an authority on subjects about which you know little or nothing. This is because your brain is like an encyclopedia with chunks of pages missing. You confuse snatches of a conversation held a year ago with the Adventure Channel’s special on the pyramids you saw last week. Then insist you had a conversation with the curator of an Egyptian museum on the relics found in King Tut’s tomb. The sad part is that you believe your fantasy so you are not only a phony but also a fruitcake.

Aliens kidnap Aquarians more often than any other sign. In fact, you probably are an alien who uses the kidnapped story as a cover for your strange behavior patterns. Your brain works faster than you can speak, so your conversation is riddled with mispronounced five-syllable words that makes you sound like Roger Rabbit talking about his uncle’s “probate” gland.

You have great sympathy for the trials and tribulations of humanity. Of course you rarely do anything other than expound on how much you care as you are too busy bugging your neighbor’s house because you are convinced she is hiding five of the ten Most Wanted list in her basement. In fact, America’s Most Wanted is your favorite TV show and you know every operator by name.

Aquarius is the sign of the humanitarian, inventor, mad scientist, and anarchist. Water Bearers also make good hippies, cross-dressers, and dyslexic English professors. You all own original cast recordings of Hair and keep your valuables locked in the safe disguised as an Early American end table in your den.

Your never-ending quirkiness and incessant questioning are the reasons why you have no close friends and your family members all live in other states. This is fine with you because it gives you the opportunity to scope out the action on the Greyhound to Phoenix. Besides, you love a captive audience and the trip gives you a chance to entertain your newly found friends with your ability to play “Yankee Doodle” with your armpits.

You have a kinship with the bizarre and collect items like petrified bat guano and that black stuff you find under the porch in humid weather. You are curious about strange religious movements or offbeat psychic practices such as Navel Lint Reading.

You are so unconcerned with what other people think of you that you rarely bother to bathe or dress on the weekends. If an unexpected visitor arrives at your front door and is offended by your body odor and cluttered house, you figure it serves them right for not calling ahead so you could tell them to stay home.

In love, you are very selective. As soon as you realize your newest prospect is a poster child for the criminally insane, you are hooked. However, since you have no idea of how to sustain romance, as fast as the lust wanes, or the handcuffs break, you are merrily on your way in search of newer and weirder conquests. When it comes to marriage, the most your spouse can hope for is a divorce.

You are the most annoying sign in the zodiac. You force friends and family alike to all-night speculations about the pros and cons of stamps you lick versus the peel-and-stick kind. However, you don’t really understand how anything works and your scientific knowledge comes from watching programs like Bill Nye the Science Guy. You think fellow Aquarian Jerry Springer’s show is a good example of a fun look at real life. The fact that he’s picked people so unware that they don’t realize they are being ridiculed makes you laugh all the harder.

You are also the world’s most original thinker. You are sensible, friendly, and idealistic. Your fierce need for independence, however, can be a dual-edged sword. Learn to overcome the urge to lay down the law and spout ultimatums before getting the facts straight, and you’ll have the rest of the zodiac eating out of your hand. In the meantime, as a verbal gunslinger, you’re the fastest draw in the universe.

When Earth signs Capricorn and Virgo try to pick apart your dreams, you cut a tornado’s swath through their insecure characters. Your razor-edged observation about the Bull’s hypocritical nature stops a charging Taurus in his tracks. Theatrical manipulators Cancer and Pisces disintegrate in the face of your tell-it-like-it-is candor. Your ability to cooly ignore Scorpio’s obsession for control sends them into a frenzy for self-destruction. Fire signs Aries and Sagittarius burn themselves out when pitted against the force of your electric personality. And you squelch Leo’s egotistical posturing with a few succint observations of their self-centered nature. You and fellow Air signs Gemini and Libra understand each other on a soul level and, therefore, rarely have serious confrontations.

Your philosophy is “Honesty is the best policy.” You are a free spirit who couldn’t care less about conforming to society’s standards. And you understand that home is a state of mind, not a defined place. Let other people cling to their outworn beliefs and nine-to-five routines. Years from now when your detractors are sitting in the clubhouse of their gated community, living vicariously though cable TV and canned music, you can send them a video of you and the Dalai Lama discussing the true path to enlightenment.