A public service announcement from Shiny.nu
Dear riders of the Metropolitan Transit Authority subway system,
I have been a regular rider of the subway for about a month and a half now, and I’ve come to the conclusion that New Yorkers are assholes. Yes, every single one of them. And if you’re a New Yorker reading this and you don’t think you’re an asshole, then you’re probably a bigger asshole than the rest of them.
So since New Yorkers who choose to ride the subway to and from work are beastly beings devoid of any sort of etiquette what-so-ever, I’ve compiled a minor list of ways I’d like to see behavior improve on the subways. Mind you, this list applies only to rush hour trains.
(Dislcaimer! Foul language ahead. If you’re offended, it serves you right for not realizing I’m from NEW YORK. Duh.)
1. If you are fat, you’re better off standing. We’re not talking pudgy or big-boned here. If you are so morbidly obese that you can’t keep your fat lardy ass from spilling over considerably into either seat next to you, get off the train and walk to your destination, you piece of shit. Not only are you taking up an entire two seats (or three, depending on where you sit) that could be occupied by healthy, not-as-disgustingly-overweight, self-respecting New Yorkers, but your time spent on public transportation should be used instead to fucking exercise.
2. It’s time to go home. You’re standing in the station and your train (which is an express train that comes every two fucking minutes) pulls into the station. It’s obviously packed, with everyone inside at various stages of visible discomfort. Do you A) wait for the next train, because it comes in two minutes anyway, or B) push your way onto the train, causing everyone to squish a little more to accommodate you? If you picked B, congratulations: you are a grade A asshole. If you can’t wait two minutes (TWO GODDAMN MINUTES!) for the next train to come a-rumbling through, possibly with less people on it, then you deserve to get pushed in front of an oncoming train. For most of those poor saps, the train wasn’t uber crowded when they boarded, but it’s assholes like you that make it that way.
3. Let passengers off the train before you board. You see those PSA ads everywhere in the subway. They wouldn’t have to post those ads if it wasn’t a fucking problem. This one will be short and sweet. I’m telling you now, if I can’t make it off the train in time at my stop because your fat ass (see also: #1) is blocking the entrance as you and 34983278 people get on, there will be hell to pay.
4. You know those panels (on some of the trains) at the end of the row of seats next to the doors? THOSE ARE NOT YOUR PERSONAL ARM RESTS, K? When I get on the train and I can’t get a seat, I stand near the door. Consequently, I’m usually leaned against one of those panels, and it makes me wish genocide against all human kind when I have a stubborn elbow in my back. You have a fucking seat. You don’t need an arm rest, too. So get your fucking elbow out of my back and enjoy your seat, fucker.
That’s all I can think of for now. My brain is numb from concentrating on the stupidity and barbarianism of New York commuters. Fuck you all, I hope you all get pushed in front of oncoming trains and die. Discuss.
Tags: assholes, commuting in new york, etiquette, fuck you, manners, metro transit authority, mta, mta subway, new york city, new yorker, nyc subway, stupid people
February 27th, 2008 |
14 Comments
I could never use public transport in New York. I’d freak out to the extent that I’d start tell people to get the fuck away from me because I have a bomb or something similar.
I can’t even handle the public transport here where the buses usually have less than 10 people on them at any given time.
*is glad I is not you*
Arwen, I love you. <3 Toronto is the same fucking bullshit. I’m in the process of writing a transit psychology blog right now actually but its going to take me a while to get it the way I really want it. People think Canadians are nice? Hahahahahahaha no! Well, not to each other. Here we have ‘multiculturalism’ and you get foreign people who cut you off, kick you, bump into you, push you over, sit on your groceries and then when you turn to look at em, they put their heads down and pretend they don’t know how to speak English when you KNOW they do. Yay. Fuck em.
I am way too claustrophobic to get into a jam-packed subway car. I’ll wait for five trains to roll through if I need to.
Oooh this actaully made me laugh! It’s not just New Yorkers though, It’s pretty much the same in Holland.
Those are the reasons I hate, hate, hate going in to Chicago as well.
God this is such a great post. It should be printed and become required reading for anyone having to public transportation.
LMAO! That was great. Really great. The only reason I’ve ever wanted to go to New York was to visit the Pokémon Center, so I’ll be sure to never use any public transportation services. Except maybe a taxi.
Nah, fuck it, I’ll drive myself.
PS: I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaack.
You crack me up! I was laughing so hard that I almost cried. Excellent comments all. It is just the delivery that makes them funny, especially the getting thrown in front of an oncoming train and genocide to all humans…so funny!
This is such a true and blunt way of describing transportation. Way to go! Awesome observations, and they’re all way too true. I hate public transportation oh so much. Hilarious : )
Wow, you just totally burned a bunch of New Yorkers. You go girl.
Haha. That is one of the most hate driven blogs i’ve ever written, though still hilariously funny. I loved this part “(Dislcaimer! Foul language ahead. If you’re offended, it serves you right for not realizing I’m from NEW YORK. Duh.)” and the fat part too. Haha. Thanks for an interesting blog.
Good work.
What an excellent blog! I must say, it’s refreshing to read a blog on here that isn’t coated with a fucking mahoosive layer of sugar and sparkles. Seriously.
I live in London, home of the (in)famous London Underground system (or as we call it, the tube) which is pretty much the same as what the subways seem to be like in New York, what with the whole every-fucker-for-himself mentality of it all. However, one thing I can say in the defence of its users is that we DO wait for others to get off before climbing onto the train. Those who do otherwise get shouted at by everyone on the carriage. *lol*
Number 2 would really piss me off. I can’t stand crowded trains or buses. I say throw the incoming person back off the train.
Anyways, reading this was hilarious. And seriously makes me reconsider moving to New York. =/
I hate hate hate getting the underground with shitloads of people. It angers me too!
That sounds a bit like the London Underground, with the exception that no one waits for the next train… There’ll always be room! Just, breathe in, and don’t have BO, and you’ll be fine!
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