Crappiness

So, I got to thinking. And when I get to thinking, I realize I feel like shit. Now that I’ve come to terms on what it really is that’s causing me to feel this way, I feel even shittier.

I wish I had a boyfriend. It’s easy for someone to say “don’t worry, you’ll find someone eventually.” Maybe I’m still too young to worry about being single for the rest of my life… but it just seems like bad luck swarms to me when it comes to relationships and liking people. I don’t feel like I’ve ever had a sucessful relationship, and most of the guys I’ve ever liked have never liked me back. Why should this one be any different? I have this gut feeling that this one doesn’t really like me back, that he’s just being nice, and I don’t know whether to ignore the gut feeling and make an attempt at pursuing it, or just give up and try and find someone else.

I know I’ve said this before, and despite various attempts (or so I hope) by the soon-to-be-mentioned third party, I haven’t felt any different about this. I hate going to the diner with Lindsay and Hugel. I hate going out with them anywhere, when it’s just the three of us. Lindsay and I used to hang out all the time… I always used to have something to do every weekend, and almost every day of the week. Now, since she’s started dating Hugel, she’s seemed more preoccupied with him. They’re always together, always hanging out, and I’m never really invited out with them unless I call Lindsay up and be like “hey, can I tag along?” which I absolutely hate doing, because then I feel like I’m being a little burdensome. I can’t remember the last time just the two of us spent a consecutive 48 hours together, and it was just us, nobody else. I’m not trying to say that I resent Hugel, because I don’t. Well, no. I do, a little. And then Justin, I used to hang out with him all the time when there wasn’t Lindsay. We’d hang out until the early hours of the morning doing nothing at all, and it was good. We haven’t really hung out all that much since I yelled at him for bringing up “the guy” when we were in the park that one night. It’s become another case scenario of I have to make a conscious effort to include myself in group plans, and I absolutely hate it. Justin used to always ask me “what are you doing tonight?” and if the answer was nothing, he’d tell me I had to come hang out with him and the gang.

Anyway, I have a point here, I really do. I just feel like if I had a boyfriend, I’d be able to go to the diners with Lindsay and Hugel, and I could bring my boyfriend, and I wouldn’t feel so obnoxiously third-wheel. And I would have someone to occupy my thoughts, other than feelings of worthlessness.

I hate to assume anything, because then I’ll think myself into illness, but I think I might be developing bipolar disorder. Or, I’ve had it for a long time, and I’m just realizing it now, and it’s become more prominent. Either that, or clinical depression (which I was told I had a slight case of shortly after my father died). It’s just an assumption, and I don’t want it to be much more than that, because like I said before, I’ll think myself into illness.

I’m a little burnt out now, mentally, from writing all this drab both here and in my real journal. And getting it out hasn’t made me feel any better, only shittier. I’m going to go and play games, and hopefully get my mind off shit, because when I’m not thinking is when I’m happy.

September 3rd, 2004 | Blah | Leave a response